Logan's Birth Story

Well when we got to the hospital they were crazy busy. They had me hooked up to watch my contractions and her heartbeat. They said I wasn't in real labor and they were going to send me home. You could tell they wanted to, because they were so busy. But they had to get permission from a doctor. The doctor looked at the readings and said her heart wasn't acting right so they were going to keep me another hour and wanted her heart to slow down. Then I would have a contraction and afterwards, like a delayed response, her heart would drop. So they decided I was going to stay the night. I got to move to the comfier rooms and got a far better nurse who wasn't trying to get rid of me. But they were soo busy that I ended up having like 5 nurses come in which wasn't very fun. Her heart rate was slowing down but she still was doing weird things. My mom got there in the middle of the night. The nurses started telling me they were positive when the doctor got there that they would induce me. So at 4, a doctor came and she broke my water. I started having real labor contractions like immediately. I was at a 4 1/2 for a long time, which was very disappointing to me because I hurt and couldn't believe the pain wasn't opening me up more! Eventually I started having back labor, which just so happens to be the worse thing that anyone could imagine. That's what turned me into the pregnant women on tv. There are no words for those hours of back labor. My epidural came and I was much much happier! But after a little it stopped working on one part of my stomach. They did some tests on me and decided I just needed more medicine. I felt great again but then nauseous. I was so drugged up. So loopy. They gave me phenagran which just made me want to sleep. Which sucked because after hours and hours of being at a 4 1/2, my doctor checked me and I was at a 10+. The last thing I wanted to do was push because I literally could not stay awake. But the urge came and I would push, then go to sleep. Then the urge, then sleep over and over it felt like. They kept saying I was doing amazing and they couldn't believe it but I was like then why the heck is she not out? They kept talking about her blonde hair. I'm just there like well get her out! My nurse did though have to tell me to stop pushing because she didn't want to deliver the baby. My doctor was on her way. I thought that was the meanest thing ever. I wanted to push so badly. My doctor came and I pushed her out! Apparently the umbilical cord was really short and that was probably the cause of the issues. I just learned this last night because my story surely doesn't end there. No one could believe how big she was. And I only pushed for just over an hour. Logan Nelle Matthews was 7 lbs 11 oz and 20 1/2 inches. I was in labor for about 9 hours. She barely made noise when she came out which made me nervous. But she was fine! I got to have skin to skin with her and I was just so happy! But then my uterus was contracting and I had back labor again. I thought I was going to die. It was truly terrible. They had to take my epidural out too...which added more pain. I don't really remember much but apparently it ended and I survived. I'm pretty positive hell is pregnancy and labor with no end result. But heaven is that end result. I love my little Lo. She's an amazing baby. She's so sweet. I adore everything about her. I just want to eat her all of the time!

When she first came out. This picture kills me. I laugh every time. 

She was actually so alert after she came out for a long time. My mom got this perfect picture of her staring at dad.

Time to go home! She's queen of grumpy faces. But she actually was silent the whole drive home.

It's been funny watching the kitties react to their demotion.

Guilt

My entire pregnancy I've heard from others how happy of a time it is to be pregnant. I also heard a lot about a glow, a glow I never received. I could probably count on one hand, maybe two if I really try, how many times being pregnant has  made me happy.

1. When I found out I was pregnant.

2. When I realized my nausea and fatigue went away, during the first trimester. 

3. Making it to the 2nd trimester.

4. Finding out she's a lady.

5. Watching my bump grow, at first. 

6. Making it to the 3rd trimester. 

7. Every ultrasound.

8. When I first felt butterfly wing movements in my belly.

Something that I've had to deal with this whole pregnancy is the guilt I feel for hating being pregnant. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm being resentful towards my sweet babe. My list of times where I've felt rotten, miserable, and barely alive is too personal for me to share with anyone, honestly. There are definitely parts that I am not honest with myself about how not okay I feel. For venting purposes, here are some of my worst times.

1. The day that sent me to the hospital.

2. The weeks after that day that felt never ending, and impossible to survive.

3. When I see pictures of me pre pregnancy, and am sad I didn't love my body the way it deserved. Now it's gone. 

4. The panic attacks.

5. Not sleeping anymore.

6. Blacking out when getting my last ultrasound. 

7. Not being able to keep the glucose test down after 4 tries, and having to check my blood now.

8. Having no control over my emotions or comfort or body. I can't emphasize these things enough. 

9. Not liking being kicked anymore.

10. The frequent stabs of pain that shoot through my body and leave me gasping, or just helplessly collapsed on the floor. 

11. Nearly throwing up every time I eat in the third trimester because my insides are so messed up.

I feel fear a lot of the time. Mostly because the hormones have greatly affected my emotions, and this leads me scared to death of how I'll feel during my fourth trimester, or longer. Luckily pregnancy hormones don't have a complete grasp over me. When I read about having the baby, or watch things about it, or am able to think about it without the fear, the excitement I feel is nearly unbearable. It's in my nature to worry about every single thing. But the knowledge that I have of the gospel, having an eternal perspective, and my ability to even have this sweet girl, makes me know it's worth it. And when I meet her, and fall in love with her, I'm sure I'll think this is more than worth it. Hopefully the next pregnancy is better. If I make it to a second one....

I went to Utah and did this stuff.

Megan and I got fancy drinks. And obsessed over the perfection of Los Hermanos chips and salsa. She also laughed at me for just ordering a bean burrito.

She also bravely gave me a pedicure. I say bravely because I'm ticklish. Even my cuticles...I'm probably the only person in the world. But it was glorious. Eskimo acted freaky during it, but what's new. He's weird. 

Food baby vs. Real baby. Fun game.

Emily and I saw each other at strange times of the night, enjoyed shakes, and discovered the creepy doll makes music and turns its head in circles. Anyone who was at my baby shower will appreciate this....speaking of my baby shower, no pics were taken. :/ But I loved it, was spoiled, and have some great friends! I was so happy to see all of them.

My right foot swells up constantly. 

Zumba in the backyard was very entertaining. I joined in for one song, but there's something about a huge stomach bouncing all directions that isn't enjoyable.

We went paddle boating unsuccessfully. 

Marcus got roped into playing with the babies constantly. A certain red head would not leave him alone. 

I eat sno cones up like it's no ones business.

Entertainment.

Caitlyn took maternity photos of me because she's the best. I freaking love all of them, which feels self absorbed and vain. But having a moments where I don't hate the discomfort and pain of a pregnant body is good.

On our second anniversary Marcus and I were able to be sealed to each other, and to our baby that we already love so much, and laugh at every day. This was the most special day, and will make every other special day to come even better. Baby was a crazy lady the whole time in the temple. The temple workers kept saying she knows what's going on. Yeah, you're telling me.  

I was grateful for everyone who came! I can't wait to rewatch our sealing up in heaven.

Sisters minus one!

It stunk to come back home. But it only means my baby is coming that much sooner. I can't wait to meet the babe who  already makes me feel like my hands are full. She's a stinker. It's hilarious and worrisome. Hahaha!

Watch Out

Pregnancy hormones are a bih.

Peoples Pics in Pink or Blue

We asked friends and family to send us pics of what they thought we were having by wearing pink or blue. I felt silly asking, but I'm glad that I did! It was a whole lot of fun to get these pictures! I loved it!

One of the first ones we got. We were in Utah for the weekend of prom. But I loved getting this pic from Meah and Benson in their blue. Babes! Definitely a favorite. Can't beat prom.

My Holt Babies. There were several pics of them all too good. 

Their dad, my brother in law. He's a weirdo! 

The amazing April, all the way in Hawaii.

My old neighbor, Sam!

My parents' neighbor, Laurie!

My funny one, MK.

My best friend's husband. He's my friend too. Plus he's saving their cat. Drewsus.

My best friend. My bird.

My BFF, in her Pink pink of course. Because that's what we do.

My forever friend, Kelsy.

Funniest human I know. 

Marcus' aunt, Kristie!

My sister and one of the children's I already posted.

Cute baby Ava! I count this as Eric and Megan's vote too.

My sister and brother in law.

My sister and brother in law, who is in a sleeping bag!

Their child. My kindred spirit.

Their cute little one. 

This pic cracks me up. My parents and my cat.

My nephew with his blue watch!

My sister, being cute.

My BFF since 8th grade! 

Her hubby. Good sport. 

Their baby, my future son in law! :) had to end on this one. I LOVE HIM!!!!! He's even holding a flower. I die.