1. When I found out I was pregnant.
2. When I realized my nausea and fatigue went away, during the first trimester.
3. Making it to the 2nd trimester.
4. Finding out she's a lady.
5. Watching my bump grow, at first.
6. Making it to the 3rd trimester.
7. Every ultrasound.
8. When I first felt butterfly wing movements in my belly.
Something that I've had to deal with this whole pregnancy is the guilt I feel for hating being pregnant. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm being resentful towards my sweet babe. My list of times where I've felt rotten, miserable, and barely alive is too personal for me to share with anyone, honestly. There are definitely parts that I am not honest with myself about how not okay I feel. For venting purposes, here are some of my worst times.
1. The day that sent me to the hospital.
2. The weeks after that day that felt never ending, and impossible to survive.
3. When I see pictures of me pre pregnancy, and am sad I didn't love my body the way it deserved. Now it's gone.
4. The panic attacks.
5. Not sleeping anymore.
6. Blacking out when getting my last ultrasound.
7. Not being able to keep the glucose test down after 4 tries, and having to check my blood now.
8. Having no control over my emotions or comfort or body. I can't emphasize these things enough.
9. Not liking being kicked anymore.
10. The frequent stabs of pain that shoot through my body and leave me gasping, or just helplessly collapsed on the floor.
11. Nearly throwing up every time I eat in the third trimester because my insides are so messed up.
I feel fear a lot of the time. Mostly because the hormones have greatly affected my emotions, and this leads me scared to death of how I'll feel during my fourth trimester, or longer. Luckily pregnancy hormones don't have a complete grasp over me. When I read about having the baby, or watch things about it, or am able to think about it without the fear, the excitement I feel is nearly unbearable. It's in my nature to worry about every single thing. But the knowledge that I have of the gospel, having an eternal perspective, and my ability to even have this sweet girl, makes me know it's worth it. And when I meet her, and fall in love with her, I'm sure I'll think this is more than worth it. Hopefully the next pregnancy is better. If I make it to a second one....
