Oh McDonald's

Me: Have you decided what you want to do for your birthday?

Hubbymchubzhubz: I think just see a movie and get a McRib.

Me: A McRib?!

Hubbymchubzhubz: Yeah, is that weird? 

Me: I thought you might want something yummier. But whatever you want!

So...we'll see what happens...

Thanksgiving

The holidays can be hard when all of the sudden they drastically change thanks to a reuniting of 2 love birds. But I'm grateful that I have had a lot of fun with my Matthews crazies this long weekend. And knowing that my family is a forever family, when I'm sad we are all so far apart. 

Got My Back

My sister in law is a good friend to me. Hahahahahah 

Everyone's got a little crazy in them

There must be something wrong with me, right? Well, a lot of things are. I'm specifically thinking of one of these idiosyncrasies. 

How many people work with adults at their jobs? Basically most, in some shape or form. I always have. Work has also always been a huge mental road block for me, as well. It has been the number one cause of anxiety in my adult life. And child life. 

There have been people in all of my jobs that have given me physical illnesses because of the discomfort they cause me. Work has always been dreadful. Part time jobs were my only route to living a sane life. Well as sane as you can get being me. This isn't normal. It's probably just straight up an inexcusable way to live. Probably need to get help. Except that I have found a solution.

I spend my work days with 3 different children. Although they test my patience and baby hunger, they don't begin any anxious feelings out of me. I also don't need to worry about how their parents feel about me, because if they had any negative feelings towards me then I wouldn't be in charge if their children.

I'm a functioning human being. I even sleep with the tv off. Which is huge, and I can't even explain it. I haven't slept in silence since probably before kindergarten. 

It's exciting to me, no matter how many ridiculous things were learned about me.

Oh another note, Halloween was good. Not a sentence I have said often. 

Babes

I am lucky that I get to nanny children that I love, and miss when I'm away from them. We have a lot a lot a lot of laughs. I also have already learned so much from these pots, and it has only been a few months. 

Venn Diagram Part 1

Things I like that Most People Don't

Being short

Touching tongues

Pizza for many meals in a row. Days of pizza.

Caking my face in foundation

Coddling

Ally McBeal

Cheetah print everything

The Carpentars

Cold feet

Things I don't like that Most People Do

Sushi

Playing sports/anything with balls

Birth Control

Socks

My eyes

Deep colors

Flavorful food

Carving pumpkins

Burt's Bees

Lipgloss or anything shiny on my lips

Things Most People like and Me, too

Bread

Love

Home

Clean towels, blankets, sheets

Flowers

Ryan Gosling

The Lion King

Sleeping well

Some Pros. Some Cons.

What are you doing wrong when you feel embarrassed just for existing? Feeling insecure with no valid reasons, at least not ones you can place into words or that your husband or any man with man feelings would understand. "I just want you to listen to how I feel, I don't want you to fix my problem." How come that makes sense to women with woman feelings, and my husband tells me he'll never grasp that reasoning? I will always find humor in this...

Yesterday brought light to a tunnel that has been overflowing me with burden and anxiety. A tunnel that forces me to compare and contrast. The joy I felt was heavenly joy, which feels indescribably better than anything temporal. Leading me to question all of my carnal nature, wishing I could control it or just stuff it into a box, never to be opened. After I'm finished questioning myself, I get back to watching How I Met Your Mother.......carnal wins again.

The weekend was not long enough. I have a case of the Monday Blues. The good news is that I haven't had Monday Blues in a long time. My goal is to not have it next week. One step at a time. The bad news is that after not feeling these Blues in awhile, they sure weigh you down. I don't know if this week will do anything except drag. Which is terrible, seeing as I've been trying desperately to enjoy NOW.

I'm currently feeling like nothing anyone could do or say could lead me to feeling badly about myself and my situation. Which is perhaps saying something terrible about how I normally wake up everyday. But I'm counting it as a win. It's also early in the week....I do have a visitor I'm expecting that barges into my life far too often, makes me pull my hair out every time I glance at a mirror, bloat, have a chocolate stained face for approximately 5 days, and turns me into an irritable, sensitive, easily offended creature who is sad because this visitor causes thoughts of every single living thing hating it. Yikes.

I have plans to welcome the winter lovingly. Maybe it is my over excitement for the holidays, trips to Utah, and my love for picking out presents for loved ones that are overwhelming me into this frenzy. I won't push these feelings away however. It takes everything in me to not go on a Christmas shopping spree every time I leave the house. So, I shall welcome Winter! That does not mean you must grace me with your icy kiss of freezing to the core temperatures, or your drearily dark faces of mornings and evenings.

Seeing as I don't have a place of my own, what can I do in lieu of decorating to bring Holiday Cheer to my life? Pondering that.

Kids These Days

Well, the last 2 days have been eventful work days to say the least.

Yesterday I was with the boys. For the first few hours I had thoughts of this being the best day I'd had with them. The opposite came to pass. You know you're a Mormon when say came to pass ain't no thing. Ain't no thing...yikes. 

Nasty warts fell off. Baby played in toddler's pee as it came out. Gross mess. Resist letting him put his hands in your mouth, please. Advice from me to me. A diaper rash that made me sad sad sad. Tantrums that were not calmed. And last but not least I got bit. Hard. Hard hard hard. Long 9 hours, my friends.

Being with baby girl is a pleasure. She's easy....in a sense. Her sleeping habits are more particular than my own. She must be stimulated at every moment or you won't hear the end of it. But she's so so so fun, cute, silly. 

It was bearable weather so I decided we should go outside. Plus you run out of options on days she gets bored quick. Outside, let's go outside. Sure I'll freeze my knickers off, but it'll be FUN! Knickers...am I even wearing knickers? What constitutes knickers? 10 hours with a 5 month old results in my conversations getting strange. 

I unlocked the deadbolt to the backyard. Because when knobs have full movement it means they're unlocked right? It's not just me? I hope. Baby didnt like the sun in her eyes so I decided front yard would be best. Except that the door was locked, and I already knew every other door was unlocked. I knew what I had to do but I was reluctant. I turned to pacing the yard multiple times and inspecting the door, hoping it'll just magically unlock. My worthless attempts failed me and I knew it was time to lay baby in the grass. Then I rushed to the doggy door. Yeah, you heard me. It looked so small. But I am small I said. And Lucy is way fatter. (Dog) 

Yes, I easily made it through the doggy door. Thus is my life. Come again.

Let me see you work work

I have never experienced having a job that:

•does not give me anxiety

•is fulfilling

•teaches me valuable lessons daily

•I'm excited to go to, come the beginning of the week

•doesnt has multiple parts that I loathe

•doesnt push me further into the realm of social anxiety

Until now.

My jobs are hard. I feel I can see a glimmer into how I'll feel as a mom. Ending the day somewhat dissatisfied with my patience. Feeling I could have done better, with a goal to try harder the following day. 

My work week ends and I'm relieved to see the weekend. Sunday night falls upon me, and I'm excited, rejuvenated, ready, determined.

I feel like what I'm doing is of great value. Not because of what I'm doing, or how I'm helping. I'm learning. I'm blessed by their presences. I'm developing. 

I'm also unsure how I'll ever be able to be a mother. Don't think too hard about it. It's terrifying!

That time I had an all day long photoshoot

GBA!

The Good.

Fall. Rain. Eating an entire symphony bar in one sitting. Babies playing with your hair. Pregnant dreams (nothing is in my womb, in fact my uterus lining is tearing at this very moment). Bed. Making hubbymchubzhubz laugh. Looking forward to Halloween. Watching Ellen season 11 clips, I've missed her. Today is my work week Friday. YouTube videos.

The Bad.

I wish I had socks on, and I hate socks. X Factor only on Hulu Plus. 

The Awkward.

Whelp, I decided to watch the fox song on YouTube. I should've stayed oblivious. And then I saw Sam, who danced at his bar mitzvah....do watch that. Look it up. Obviously YouTube visors is under the good and the awkward, because those words go hand in hand in my book, ladies and gentleman. Yes, gentleman, because the only male reading this bad boy is my big, hot, mancrush! Hi babe.

Picture

That time I was sitting on the driveway and I looked up and exclaimed that I needed a camera.

Deadish

I have been dressing like it's fall the past few weeks in anticipation. Layers are good, celestial things. But then this little baby of mine...mine does not mean she came out of my personal woohoo but rather that I keep her alive 2 days a week, 20 hours...she had a cold. And what did my body do? It snatched that cold up like I snatch up dollar bills on the ground at VS. Yep, that happened.

It's still 80 to 95 degrees out. My mindset may be fall-esque, but that doesn't mean it is so! The saddest part is, this freaking stinking cold reminded me that fall very quickly leads to winter, where I feel crappy, plugged, and like I must eat your brains (zombie mode) at least 90% of the time. At least. Now I don't even want my favorite time of the year to approach. Give me back my flip flops and daisy dukes! 'Cause we all know I wear that constantly...

Sleep, or lack thereof

I have terrible sleep every night of the week. Thanks dad. 

For awhile I thought that my sleep was improving. I think it was just from exhaustion from working my first, and probably only, manual labor job. No, not everyone in retail spends their shifts folding and focusing your attention on buying more to save more. I've got the guns to prove it.

So maybe I need to fit exercise into my regimen. Don't laugh. I just really don't like it!

How I sleep soundly:

•tv on. Quiet, but I must be able to easily hear what is being said. 

•cold, but not with a fan. Fans blur the speaking I MUST hear.

•sheep blanket, hubbymchubzhubz least favorite. Oh dear blanket, we have traveled all around the country together. Even across the Atlantic. BFFs.

•on stomach, head barely on the corner of my pillow, facing off the bed, hands tucked under my body, unclenched.

•husband nearby, please.

How do I grow out of these yuckyuck habits!!!

huzzah to one year down!

As a child I was timid and shy. I didn't want to try new things in fear it would draw attention to myself, especially negative attention. This eventually led me to believe that I wasn't cut out for anything.

That I had very few, mediocre talents.

As I developed a sense of self, I felt obliged to be proud of my unique talents. No, I could not play a single sport, but I sure did have a nurturing heart. Definitely don't ever want to be put on a stage, at least I think of others' feelings. Can't sing, but I can shop. Oil painting is impossible, however I have mean calligraphy skills. 

There were a few people down the way that did not see my talents as I tried to seem them. But this is where I found my best friends, developed more meaningful relationships.

Well, they felt more meaningful to me.

The truly unbelievable part,

I met a man who has the ability to be good at anything he tries to. 

A trait I despise.

He also saw the good in me.

I can't fathom how much I have grown in the past year since we've been married. 

I've grown.

Catching and throwing isn't the scariest thing in the world either. I can shoot hoops. He loves my singing voice. My art is the prettiest. 

I still seem to get injured by sports, without being on the court. 

But the talents I already had, they feel far more important now. They are what make me a good wife, a good friend, a good future mother. 

So, huzzah!

This was written about a month ago, on our 1 year anniversary. 

all the newest things.

New things.

Last year I converted to the iPhone, and like many iPhone users I can't picture myself with any other phone. I had an upgrade and got the 5. Love it. But the best part is that we were able to change my data plan so I can actually use data. Guys, you guys with your smart phones, I'm so glad. Living off wifi is hardymchardpants. Wow...worldly. I'm always scared of my offspring being glued to their phones. Feeling like I should cool my jets before I start popping out inevitably skinny limbed baby bums attached to cellular devices.

I got a new car. I'm in love with it. My last car was super cute and fun. But then it started to pop...and say I'm out of gas! But it wasn't. It really liked to say that while I was going through intersections. So that was cool, and not life-threatening at all. This new littlle guy has 4 doors. That's a cool feature. And a/c. Wow, that's a smart invention. It doesn't stall. Or run out of gas the second it gets remotely close to that little red warning line. It has all 4 hub caps....until I run into another big tire. JK husband, won't do that again! OH and cruise control! Automatic windows and locks!These are normal things you say? Let me welcome myself into this century.

A month ago I started watching a baby as instagram shows. Every other day of the week I kept thinking why am I not taking care of children every second? You see, I love the young folk. They make me do a plethora of things like
One. Ignore everything else in the room because there's a child. I treat them like unicorns. Beautiful, happy, miraculous creatures.
Two. Am appalled when everyone else isn't paying attention to everything the child is doing, and ooohing and ahhhing over the indescribable cuteness.
Three. Feel overjoyed that I get to be in their presence. The presence of a unicorn, how lucky I am!
Four. My heart hurts. Too much love for my body to handle mixed with an ache for my future babies that I'm just not ready to be harvesting yet, no matter how badly my motherly instincts and body parts yearn.

I feel a little creepy when I go into this kind of detail. I was referring to my love for children, but then I mentioned my body parts. Yikes. Shhhhanyway, the next new thing in my life is that I had my last day at a retail store today, and will now be working with another family watching their children. I've got 2 nanny jobs, each 2 days a week. I cannot wait to start, next Wednesday. CANNOT WAIT.

It's like a new life up ahead. I'm feeling good about life, which is a nice feeling. Survived that scary first year of marriage too. So yep, things are good. .

Musical Thoughts.

In high school I was a bit of a music fanatic. Breathed it in with every moment.  Slowly I grew out of the whole engulfment. But recently I'm realizing music is a part of me. It brings a certain energy to me that I'm known for. Possibly the only energy I emulate to the general population. And I'm taking the moments to breathe in music again.

Now something I have accepted through these years is that I have a vast music taste. You can give me some Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Edward Sharpe, Tim McGraw, Taylor Swift. Equally pleased. 

There is a certain man whom I deeply appreciate, all seriousness laid across my face at this moment. I like to call him JT. I could give you a list of reasons why I genuinely appreciate this man, but I'm a married woman. I don't talk about men that way anymore. Seriousness left my face. I listened to his new album with genuine excitement left feeling, well... at lleast Mirrors came from all this nonsense. It's some strange music.

Welcome.

I'm back to blogger with a new blog, fresh start.It's not pretty either. If I were to take the time to make my blog pretty, I don't think I'd ever want to blog ever.
I cannot promise you that I will post frequently or anything worthwhile.
I also cannot promise you that I will do the right thing and post pictures often like a good blogger does.


Recent Happenings.

• I've been married a year. Smoochy smoocher to my hubbymchubzhubz. 
• I watch a 3 month old baby on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm not sure if this is making me baby hungry or content with babylessness. It's my favorite job ever though.
• Hubbymchubzhubz and I have watched all of One Tree Hill. This may or may not have been my at least fifth time.
• Hubbymchubzhubz was laid off, and found a new job that he really enjoys! Although it's super early in the morning.
• My baby Kurt kitty in the cradle was chewed up by another cat. I nursed him back to health of course, like the cat mom that I am.
• Hubbymchubzhubz brother came home from his mission. A man that I did not meet until being married over a year! Poor guy. It's fun to have the entire family here, and to know they are all real people, not figments of imagination.

Okaythanksbye.

bloglovin'

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/9928095/?claim=z9qkfes2nvu">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>