What are you doing wrong when you feel embarrassed just for existing? Feeling insecure with no valid reasons, at least not ones you can place into words or that your husband or any man with man feelings would understand. "I just want you to listen to how I feel, I don't want you to fix my problem." How come that makes sense to women with woman feelings, and my husband tells me he'll never grasp that reasoning? I will always find humor in this...
Yesterday brought light to a tunnel that has been overflowing me with burden and anxiety. A tunnel that forces me to compare and contrast. The joy I felt was heavenly joy, which feels indescribably better than anything temporal. Leading me to question all of my carnal nature, wishing I could control it or just stuff it into a box, never to be opened. After I'm finished questioning myself, I get back to watching How I Met Your Mother.......carnal wins again.
The weekend was not long enough. I have a case of the Monday Blues. The good news is that I haven't had Monday Blues in a long time. My goal is to not have it next week. One step at a time. The bad news is that after not feeling these Blues in awhile, they sure weigh you down. I don't know if this week will do anything except drag. Which is terrible, seeing as I've been trying desperately to enjoy NOW.
I'm currently feeling like nothing anyone could do or say could lead me to feeling badly about myself and my situation. Which is perhaps saying something terrible about how I normally wake up everyday. But I'm counting it as a win. It's also early in the week....I do have a visitor I'm expecting that barges into my life far too often, makes me pull my hair out every time I glance at a mirror, bloat, have a chocolate stained face for approximately 5 days, and turns me into an irritable, sensitive, easily offended creature who is sad because this visitor causes thoughts of every single living thing hating it. Yikes.
I have plans to welcome the winter lovingly. Maybe it is my over excitement for the holidays, trips to Utah, and my love for picking out presents for loved ones that are overwhelming me into this frenzy. I won't push these feelings away however. It takes everything in me to not go on a Christmas shopping spree every time I leave the house. So, I shall welcome Winter! That does not mean you must grace me with your icy kiss of freezing to the core temperatures, or your drearily dark faces of mornings and evenings.
Seeing as I don't have a place of my own, what can I do in lieu of decorating to bring Holiday Cheer to my life? Pondering that.
You and Marcus should watch the video, "It's not about the nail." haha it's so perfect for what you just described. "Just listen to me but don't fix it, I'll fix it! I just want to whine!" I don't understand it either, but I know that it's real. And I love you. Even if you can't be happy in the now. But I hope that you can and if you need any help from someone a state away, you just tell me!
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