Babes

I am lucky that I get to nanny children that I love, and miss when I'm away from them. We have a lot a lot a lot of laughs. I also have already learned so much from these pots, and it has only been a few months. 

Venn Diagram Part 1

Things I like that Most People Don't

Being short

Touching tongues

Pizza for many meals in a row. Days of pizza.

Caking my face in foundation

Coddling

Ally McBeal

Cheetah print everything

The Carpentars

Cold feet

Things I don't like that Most People Do

Sushi

Playing sports/anything with balls

Birth Control

Socks

My eyes

Deep colors

Flavorful food

Carving pumpkins

Burt's Bees

Lipgloss or anything shiny on my lips

Things Most People like and Me, too

Bread

Love

Home

Clean towels, blankets, sheets

Flowers

Ryan Gosling

The Lion King

Sleeping well

Some Pros. Some Cons.

What are you doing wrong when you feel embarrassed just for existing? Feeling insecure with no valid reasons, at least not ones you can place into words or that your husband or any man with man feelings would understand. "I just want you to listen to how I feel, I don't want you to fix my problem." How come that makes sense to women with woman feelings, and my husband tells me he'll never grasp that reasoning? I will always find humor in this...

Yesterday brought light to a tunnel that has been overflowing me with burden and anxiety. A tunnel that forces me to compare and contrast. The joy I felt was heavenly joy, which feels indescribably better than anything temporal. Leading me to question all of my carnal nature, wishing I could control it or just stuff it into a box, never to be opened. After I'm finished questioning myself, I get back to watching How I Met Your Mother.......carnal wins again.

The weekend was not long enough. I have a case of the Monday Blues. The good news is that I haven't had Monday Blues in a long time. My goal is to not have it next week. One step at a time. The bad news is that after not feeling these Blues in awhile, they sure weigh you down. I don't know if this week will do anything except drag. Which is terrible, seeing as I've been trying desperately to enjoy NOW.

I'm currently feeling like nothing anyone could do or say could lead me to feeling badly about myself and my situation. Which is perhaps saying something terrible about how I normally wake up everyday. But I'm counting it as a win. It's also early in the week....I do have a visitor I'm expecting that barges into my life far too often, makes me pull my hair out every time I glance at a mirror, bloat, have a chocolate stained face for approximately 5 days, and turns me into an irritable, sensitive, easily offended creature who is sad because this visitor causes thoughts of every single living thing hating it. Yikes.

I have plans to welcome the winter lovingly. Maybe it is my over excitement for the holidays, trips to Utah, and my love for picking out presents for loved ones that are overwhelming me into this frenzy. I won't push these feelings away however. It takes everything in me to not go on a Christmas shopping spree every time I leave the house. So, I shall welcome Winter! That does not mean you must grace me with your icy kiss of freezing to the core temperatures, or your drearily dark faces of mornings and evenings.

Seeing as I don't have a place of my own, what can I do in lieu of decorating to bring Holiday Cheer to my life? Pondering that.

Kids These Days

Well, the last 2 days have been eventful work days to say the least.

Yesterday I was with the boys. For the first few hours I had thoughts of this being the best day I'd had with them. The opposite came to pass. You know you're a Mormon when say came to pass ain't no thing. Ain't no thing...yikes. 

Nasty warts fell off. Baby played in toddler's pee as it came out. Gross mess. Resist letting him put his hands in your mouth, please. Advice from me to me. A diaper rash that made me sad sad sad. Tantrums that were not calmed. And last but not least I got bit. Hard. Hard hard hard. Long 9 hours, my friends.

Being with baby girl is a pleasure. She's easy....in a sense. Her sleeping habits are more particular than my own. She must be stimulated at every moment or you won't hear the end of it. But she's so so so fun, cute, silly. 

It was bearable weather so I decided we should go outside. Plus you run out of options on days she gets bored quick. Outside, let's go outside. Sure I'll freeze my knickers off, but it'll be FUN! Knickers...am I even wearing knickers? What constitutes knickers? 10 hours with a 5 month old results in my conversations getting strange. 

I unlocked the deadbolt to the backyard. Because when knobs have full movement it means they're unlocked right? It's not just me? I hope. Baby didnt like the sun in her eyes so I decided front yard would be best. Except that the door was locked, and I already knew every other door was unlocked. I knew what I had to do but I was reluctant. I turned to pacing the yard multiple times and inspecting the door, hoping it'll just magically unlock. My worthless attempts failed me and I knew it was time to lay baby in the grass. Then I rushed to the doggy door. Yeah, you heard me. It looked so small. But I am small I said. And Lucy is way fatter. (Dog) 

Yes, I easily made it through the doggy door. Thus is my life. Come again.

Let me see you work work

I have never experienced having a job that:

•does not give me anxiety

•is fulfilling

•teaches me valuable lessons daily

•I'm excited to go to, come the beginning of the week

•doesnt has multiple parts that I loathe

•doesnt push me further into the realm of social anxiety

Until now.

My jobs are hard. I feel I can see a glimmer into how I'll feel as a mom. Ending the day somewhat dissatisfied with my patience. Feeling I could have done better, with a goal to try harder the following day. 

My work week ends and I'm relieved to see the weekend. Sunday night falls upon me, and I'm excited, rejuvenated, ready, determined.

I feel like what I'm doing is of great value. Not because of what I'm doing, or how I'm helping. I'm learning. I'm blessed by their presences. I'm developing. 

I'm also unsure how I'll ever be able to be a mother. Don't think too hard about it. It's terrifying!

That time I had an all day long photoshoot